


Wartime Sacrifices

by camichats



Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [158]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Crying, Death Eater Sirius Black, Everyone Has Issues, First War with Voldemort, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lily Evans Potter Lives, M/M, Major Character Injury, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Regulus Black Lives, Self-Hatred, Sirius Black is a Good Sibling, Undercover Missions, brief Lily Evans/James Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:47:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25448599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: Someone had to go undercover in the Death Eaters to pass Dumbledore information. Sirius was the obvious choice, and he thought he'd be able to handle it. There's only so much he can take though, with Regulus trying to be a good person, Bellatrix welcoming him back, and James not knowing that the whole thing is an act.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/James Potter
Series: Imagine James and Sirius Prompts [158]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/752925
Comments: 24
Kudos: 170





	Wartime Sacrifices

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt was: "You are so singlehandedly keeping Prongsfoot alive and I love you for it! So my request if for you to write whatever you want, write your deepest fantasy or kink or rewrite one of your old favourites! Do something for you ❤️"
> 
> Warnings for depression, injuries/blood, self-hatred, and lots of crying. Expect normal wartime angst. There is brief James/Lily. I tried to tag everything, but it's possible that I missed something. This is a loooong one for a prompt XD

Sirius looked at his newly branded arm, feeling a wave of nausea as he looked at the snake curling around the skull like it was an old friend. This wasn't going to go away. Eventually, the war was going to end and Sirius was going to want to forget about all of this, but he wasn't going to be able to. Dumbledore had told him when he gave him this assignment that, if he accepted, it would change his entire life because he would have to do whatever it took to convince Voldemort and the other Death Eaters that he was on their side. _Whatever it takes, Sirius,_ Dumbledore had said. _I'll take care of you after it happens so you are not prosecuted. You would have to do everything he says so you can pass us information. The time might come for you to work against them, but it is not now._

He hadn't known that it would be like this. There were tiers to Voldemort's organisation. He had his inner circle, the other Death Eaters, and then everyone else that was following him. Sirius had thought that he'd be part of the last group, but a few hours ago, he had been inducted. Kill an innocent muggle to complete the ritual, then Voldemort branded you. 

There was no going back from this. 

He'd have to tell Dumbledore. Dumbledore would probably be happy. The higher you were ranked, the better information you'd get about what they were doing. This was a good thing for the war effort. "This is going to help so many people," Sirius choked out, trying to convince himself. 

He glanced in the mirror and immediately had to look away. He didn't look all that different. He'd hurt people before this. Working for Voldemort, he'd hurt dozens of people. A couple of them had probably died from their wounds, but tonight was the first time he'd gone out with the intent to murder someone. And he'd done it. He felt like his reflection should show how horrible he felt, but mostly he looked the same. Maybe a little tired, but that was it. He looked just as human as he had at the start of the day. 

He had the urge to smash his fist against the glass because surely a shattered reflection of him would be more representative of how he felt. He grit his teeth, curled his hands into fists on the counter top, and did nothing. He couldn't afford to look like he was falling apart when it was going well. Voldemort believed that he was on his side, and he needed to keep it that way. What was losing his self respect when he was going to help save the Wizarding World? 

* * *

It had been a while since Sirius saw James. Months, almost a year, actually. When he went undercover, he couldn't show up to Order meetings anymore, and he'd had to move out of the flat him and James had been sharing. It gave Lily somewhere to move in, but it felt like losing his right arm. At this point in his life, he'd rather lose his left arm, and there wasn't any way he could twist that to be a joke. He wanted this bloody mark gone. He wasn't convinced that he would stop himself from clawing it off the moment the war ended. 

He bumped into James turning down a road in Diagon Alley. "Sorry mate," Sirius said before he knew who it was. Then he looked at his face and froze. "James." Sirius felt his heart start to race. This wasn't good. He could pretend alright when he was around people he didn't really care about, but James was different. He'd totally blow his cover if anyone saw him. 

"Sirius," James said, sounding surprised and delighted all at once. He was grinning widely, and he pulled Sirius in for a tight hug before Sirius could bring himself to do anything but stand there. "Merlin, I've missed you _so much._ How've you been? I haven't seen you around." 'Around' meaning at Order meetings. 

"Yeah." Sirius cleared his throat awkwardly as James let go of him. His posture made it clear that he had no intention of walking away after exchanging pleasantries. 

"Look, I know that it's been weird between us since the break up and... everything-" everything meaning the war and their friends dying and Dumbledore's suspicions of there being a spy in the Order, which was what had set off Sirius into where he was now "-but we're still best mates. I wish you'd come 'round more often." Or, y'know, _ever._ "It's been ages since we've had a chance to talk. How've you been?" 

"Fine," Sirius said shortly. 

Some of the hope in James's eyes dimmed. "That's good. Erm, me and Lily are dating now." 

Sirius snorted, none too nicely. "You'll shag anyone you share a flat with, I guess." He'd had to break up with James so he could go undercover, and it's not like he'd been able to explain why when he did it. But he'd always thought that they'd get back together when the war ended. It's something he'd been holding onto. That the world might be shite right now, but when it was all over, he'd be able to crawl back into bed with James and know that he was loved. 

It had been stupid. James had no reason to think it was temporary, so he'd moved on. Sirius was still in love with him, but James... he'd gotten broken up with and not seen him for nearly a year, so he'd moved on because that's what people did after break ups. 

Sirius swallowed. He didn't want to look at the hurt, confused expression on James's face. "Lily's great. Good for you." 

"You're the one that broke up with me," James reminded him quietly. "You don't get to be mad at me for dating someone else." 

"I know. Lily's great," he said again. 

James looked at him for a moment, then muttered, "Yeah. Erm, you should come by for dinner so we can catch up. We can't get the whole gang together, but you and me, y'know, that shouldn't be too hard." 

"I'm busy." 

"I didn't say when," James pointed out. He'd started this conversation like he was on top of the world, and now it's like he was getting pushed in the mud. 

Sirius clenched his jaw. "Yeah. Well. I'm busy." 

"Every single day for the next month?" 

"Yes," Sirius said firmly. 

If it had been anyone other than James, they would have left it at that and sulked off. But it _was_ James, and he knew Sirius too damn well to actually believe that they'd grown apart just because they weren't dating anymore. James swallowed thickly, his eyes looking a little watery behind his glasses. "You can come home whenever you want, alright? It doesn't matter how long it's been." There was a long moment of silence where James was waiting for a response. He didn't get one; Sirius _couldn't_ give him one right now or he'd risk everything. "I'll er, let you get back to your day. I know you're busy. See you around." 

Sirius only watched him for a second before he had to tear his eyes away. He wondered how much worse he could feel while still being alive. He kept thinking that he had reached his limit, and then something would happen to drag him lower. He'd reached an all new low today. Tomorrow would probably bring something worse, even if he couldn't imagine what it was right now. This is what his life had turned into: a never-ending parade of one horrible event after another. 

* * *

Him and Bellatrix had never really gotten along. Until now. It was probably the worst part about this. She believed in all of this shite, and since she thought that Sirius did now too, they were getting on. She was the Death Eater he'd been spending the most time with. Sirius found himself in a pretty weird spot. He wasn't part of the inner circle, but everyone that _wasn't_ in the inner circle treated him that way. He was good at this. Bellatrix liked him, and that was more than could be said for most of these people. Spending time with her was easier than hanging around anyone else, and it furthered his goals-- so you know, two birds with one stone, all that. 

They joked that they were making up for lost time. They joked that this was family bonding time. Sirius found it made all of this a little more bearable, and he hated himself for it. This wasn't fun. Every time he left to go sleep, he found that he couldn't think about anything. He made his reports to Dumbledore when he had the time to, and other than that, he thought of nothing. If he started thinking, he wouldn't be able to stop. If he was thinking, he'd be thinking about what he did that day-- what he did the week before. 

Hanging out with Bellatrix was a softer way of hating himself. He didn't have to worry about watching himself as much because Bellatrix didn't give a bollocks what he was doing as long as she didn't think he was a traitor. She might think he wasn't as invested in all the ideals, but he'd given her no reason to think that he hated every Merlin-cursed moment of this. It was good for the mission. Maybe it was better for him. He couldn't decide if it was or not. He kept flipping which one he thought was better. 

"Baby brother's been snooping around the Dark Lord's robes," Bellatrix said as soon as she saw him one day. 

"What?" 

"Reggie. He wants to be a Death Eater. Of course, he's far too young for it. Try as he might, he was never a good replacement for you. The Dark Lord paid him a little attention before you came around to have an in with the Black family heir, but he doesn't have any use for him now that you're here. You should tell him that. Before his feelings get hurt." 

Sirius snorted. "I haven't talked to Regulus since the night I left my parent's house, and I doubt he wants that to change." 

"He might've done when you were a blood traitor," Bellatrix agreed easily. She tossed a scroll of parchment at Sirius. "I'm certain his opinion on you has changed in the last year. Much like my own." 

Sirius unrolled the parchment. "What is this?" All it had was a single address, written in the center of the paper that was much too large for it. When he looked up from the parchment towards her, she was grinning. 

"Welcome to the inner circle, cousin. You have no idea how boring it's been watching all these fools bluster around like they don't know how to handle themselves, let alone their wands." 

"It sounds mildly entertaining," Sirius said lightly. "I'm burning this?" He waved the parchment around, and she nodded. He didn't bother grabbing his wand, just pinched it tightly between his fingers. This was a possibility he'd planned for, and he prayed that it wasn't obvious what was happening. It was similar in design to throwing a message through the floo, only he was sending the paper to Dumbledore instead of someone's fireplace. If he got caught right now, he'd be killed, and they would switch the meeting place and it all would've been useless. Sirius passed along intel, but they were gearing up for something big. There wasn't any point in sending him in this deep just to capture a few small fry. They were doing this to get Dumbledore and Voldemort in the same room. It was going to be a buggering blood bath for whoever else was around, but Sirius had to believe that it would all turn out in the end. 

Bellatrix didn't notice anything amiss. 

"I don't see why the Dark Lord _wouldn't_ want Regulus. From what I remember, he's quite the believer in these ideals." 

"He is, but he's too bright eyed. He wouldn't survive his induction." 

Sirius nodded, and figured that he could warn his brother away from all of this without exposing himself. "I'll talk to him. No need for him to embarrass the lot of us by pretending he can do this." 

They were silent for a minute. Then, "I heard an interesting rumour today, cousin." 

"What's that?" Sirius asked, not expecting for this to be anything he gave a shite about. Most of the rumours were about other Death Eaters, and he didn't much care what was going on in their lives. 

"Someone said they saw you talking to Potter." She let the sentence hang there. "It doesn't look good. Not with everything going on." 

Sirius snorted and pretended that his gut wasn't churning anxiously. "He saw me in Diagon and struck up conversation. We weren't exactly braiding each other's hair and grabbing tea." 

"Apparently, he was acting rather friendly." 

Sirius gave her a flat look. "Have you ever met him?" 

"Once or twice." 

"He's friendly. He smiles a lot. And I didn't exactly tell him that I can't bloody stomach people like him when I left." 

* * *

It had been a long time since Sirius had seen Regulus. His last year of Hogwarts, really. After that, they never ran into each other. He didn't see so much as a glimpse of Regulus in Diagon Alley. And now he was seeking him out to warn him away from joining the Death Eaters. As a Death Eater. This was ten kinds of fucked up, but it was what it was. If he could stop Regulus from ruining his life, then at least something good would come of him being the one who was here. 

It was a Hogsmeade weekend, which meant that it was easy to go in and wait around for Regulus to see him. 

"What are you doing here?" Regulus asked instead of saying anything else first-- like 'hello' to name one. 

"Visiting you, obviously," Sirius said with half a smile. "You have a minute?" 

Regulus nodded. Sirius hated this. The last time he'd tried to talk to Regulus, he'd gotten a wand in the face and a promise that he wouldn't hesitate if Sirius bothered him again. Now that Sirius was hurting people, his brother was willing to talk to him. 

"You're trying to become a Death Eater," Sirius said once they were somewhere a little more private. 

Regulus nodded again, more eager this time. 

"Don't." 

"What?" 

"Don't try and join. You wouldn't be able to do it." 

Regulus scowled at him. This, at least, was more familiar territory. "I'm not incapable. I can do whatever it is." 

"Would you," Sirius said flatly. 

_"Yes."_ There was a little fire behind his eyes, like he truly and honestly thought this was something he could do.

"Alright." Sirius glanced at the road and gestured at a witch he didn't recognise. If he didn't recognise her, she wasn't part of a pureblood family. "Kill her." He said it to prove a point, and also because he knew that Regulus would never do it. 

Regulus swayed back, eyes wide. "What?" He wanted order and reason; there wasn't any of that to be found in what Sirius had just told him to do. 

"To get the Mark, you have to follow orders without question. If they point at someone and tell you to bring them their head, you have to do it. So?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow expectantly. He glanced towards the road again, pointedly. The witch he'd pointed out before was gone, but she'd been a Hogwarts student so Regulus would be able to pick her out if he needed to. He knew that Regulus wouldn't do it, but he'd be able to stop him before anything happened. Just in case. 

"What did she do?" 

"Nothing." 

"If she didn't do anything, then why-" 

"That sounds like a question. Are you doing it or not?" 

"I-" Regulus looked between Sirius's face and the street. "No. Not if she didn't do anything." 

"Then stop trying to become a Death Eater. You don't have what they're looking for, and if you try to force your way in, you're going to either embarrass yourself or get hurt. Maybe both, depending on who you're dealing with. The support isn't what's bad, you trying to work your way up is. Believe me, Reg, you don't have anything they want right now." 

Regulus grit his teeth, casting his eyes downward. There was a light, embarrassed flush across his cheeks. 

Sirius took a chance and put a hand on his shoulder. "Focus on school, yeah? By the time you're graduated, this should all be settled and you won't have to worry about it." 

Regulus breathed in, breathed out. Took another breath. "Are you coming back home?" he asked, looking up at Sirius with naked hope in his eyes. 

"I may not hate everything the way I used to, but I still hate our buggering parents. I'm not interested in talking to them again." 

"I can't stand that place," Regulus whispered, crestfallen. "I can't handle it without you." 

"I don't remember you liking me very much when I was around." 

"That's because you hated being there. You didn't like me. You were always leaving the second you could." 

"Can you blame me?" 

"No. I just- I _hate_ being there." 

It was a bad idea. It was a bloody terrible idea, but Sirius still opened his mouth and said, "You could stay with me over the summer if you want." 

"Really?" Regulus asked, perking up. 

"Sure. I'll be busy, but- yeah, why not. Merlin knows I'd do just about anything to get you away from them. How's Mum been lately?" 

Regulus grimaced. "Ever since you became a Death Eater, she's been insufferable. She used to tell me that I should be better than you, and now all she does is tell me that I should be more like you. Get the favour of the Dark Lord and do better than you did so she could finally have a son she's proud of." 

Sirius snorted, ruffling Regulus's hair a little. "She's gonna need to try for another kid if she wants that to happen. You're not living for her, Reg; you're living for you. Next time she tells you to do something you don't want, you tell her to sod off. And then come see me because I don't want her thinking that was invitation to knock you around. Go on, talk to your friends, run around Hogsmeade, whatever it is you do these days." It was a touch awkward talking like this, trying to find common ground and pretending like it wasn't weird that they hadn't talked in years. He was a different person now than the last time Sirius had talked to him. "Write me if you want." 

* * *

In the day, Sirius talked to Regulus. That night, he stood beside Bellatrix and nearly cut someone's arm off with a curse when they pointed a wand at her; they had just been trying to protect their family. 

Dumbledore wanted to wait before making a move. 

He had no sodding idea why. Everything was getting worse, and he knew that Dumbledore had to have valid reasons for everything he did but it felt like Sirius wasn't going to make it out of here with his sanity intact. 

He might make it out of this war. He might even make it without getting thrown in prison. He wasn't sure he'd _want_ to make it out. With every day that passed and every new person he hurt, he was slowly growing more certain that he wouldn't know what to do with himself if he made it out alive. He was drowning in guilt, and it was only going to get worse with time. 

* * *

"My Lord?" Sirius asked, looking at Voldemort with confusion. 

"You have more experience with the Muggle world than anyone else here, and I need someone to meet with the werewolves on my behalf. Rather reprehensible creatures when you get down to it, but they could prove useful." 

Sirius dipped his head in acceptance, and the meeting moved on. 

It was almost a relief to be able to put on muggle clothes again. Trousers and a tee, and his favourite leather jacket that he hadn't been able to touch in over a year. 

"You going somewhere?" Regulus asked when he saw Sirius come out of his room dressed so strangely. 

"A meeting for the Dark Lord," Sirius explained, tying back his hair. It probably wouldn't come to a fight, but he wanted to be prepared. "It shouldn't take long. How's your homework going?" 

"Slow," he answered, but he didn't turn his focus back to his work. He was looking at Sirius worriedly. 

"D'you want me to grab take-away on my way back?" 

"Is it dangerous?" Regulus asked instead of answering. 

"Not particularly," Sirius said with a snort. 

"Then why are you bringing a knife with you?" 

"Always be prepared, Reg," Sirius said with a wink. The real answer was that spellwork had a reduced effect on werewolves. He knew from being mates with Remus that werewolves weren't automatically killers or horrible people, but right now, Sirius was part of a group that considered anyone not a pureblood beneath them. If the person he was meeting with knew that and took offense, Sirius would like to be able to get out of there alive. He didn't do all this shite just to get killed in a bar fight. 

"Maybe- maybe I could go with you. To watch your back." 

"No." 

"I wouldn't say anything," Regulus protested. 

"No." Sirius kissed the top of his head. "I'll be back in a couple hours." 

"What if you don't come back?" 

"I will," Sirius said, but he could tell that it didn't do shite to comfort Regulus. "Does this mean you don't want take-away?" 

"Bring me back yellow curry or I'm not letting you back in the flat." 

"Yellow curry for his majesty." 

Regulus got to his feet to lock the door behind Sirius. "Sirius?" he asked, just before Sirius was about to apparate. "Be safe." 

"Always am," Sirius lied with a grin. He appeared in an alley a little ways away from the pub they were supposed to meet in and started walking over. Voldemort hadn't exactly been very descriptive when he told Sirius to go to this meeting. He'd said something along the lines of 'get them on our side' and that was it. He didn't say how, what Sirius was supposed to come out of this meeting with, or what he was offering them in return for their cooperation. He was going in blind and he didn't care for that at all, but it was what it was. 

He only had a minute to wonder if he was going to recognise who he was meeting, because then he walked in the pub and saw Fenrir sodding Greyback sat at the bar, a beer in front of him and a disinterested expression on his face. He was the strongest man in the room, and he knew it. 

Sirius slid onto the barstool next to him and ordered a whiskey. "You want one?" he asked Greyback. 

Greyback shook his head. "I'm surprised it's you. You're friends with my newest pack member. The way he acts, none of his mates have ever had the guts to cut someone open just to see how much they bleed." 

"I wasn't aware that was something I'd done," was all Sirius said. He didn't want to think about who the hell the newest pack member was supposed to be. Remus was the only candidate for that since he was the only werewolf Sirius had been friends with, but Remus had always been terrified at the thought of even _seeing_ Greyback again. It didn't seem very likely that he would volunteer to be with Greyback's pack. 

Greyback snorted, amused. "I hear what you Death Eater types get up to." 

"Then why show up to this?" 

Greyback smiled, all teeth. "I was interested in hearing your pitch. What are you promising? Equal rights for us killing your enemies for you?" 

"How does staying out of the fighting sound?" Sirius said, raising an eyebrow at him coolly. Greyback wouldn't accept, which was a damn good thing-- for all his confusion over the situation, he knew that it wasn't what Voldemort wanted. 

"Like hell we will," he said with another snort. 

Well that didn't take much effort on his part. Greyback wanted to fight, and he knew that neither the Ministry nor the Order was going to make Greyback an offer. "So you want to fight, but you're not willing to admit it. Let's say that we aren't offering you anything. You'd still get your pick of whatever you find after the ash settles. Would the Ministry promise you the same? The current Ministry, that is." Sirius took a sip to pretend like he didn't fucking hate himself. 

Fenrir barked out a laugh. It reminded Sirius of the way _he_ laughed. "I can see why they sent you. Surprised you and little Lupin were mates back in the day." 

"He's in your pack now?" Sirius asked with the faintest traces of surprise in his voice. He wanted to call Greyback a liar, but he didn't know if he was lying about this or not. 

"Aye, and hating every moment of it." 

"He never was very adaptable," Sirius said idly. He took another sip. "How has your pack been doing?" 

"Are you really looking to make small talk with me, Black?" Greyback asked. 

"We're allies, aren't we? Allies make small talk." 

"I didn't agree to anything." 

"A mere formality. We both know which way you're going to lean. Would you like for me to pretend I don't so you can feel superior? Because I can do that." 

"Hmph. You're awfully comfortable here," Greyback noted. "Do your blood purist friends know how comfortable you are in a muggle pub?" 

"Why do you think I'm the one that was sent? Anyone else would be as noticeable as blood on a white cloth in here. You sure I can't buy you a drink?" 

"I don't drink with people that think I'm scum." 

Sirius shrugged. "Suit yourself." He drained the rest of his glass and paid the bartender. "I'm sure you know how to reach us if you want to talk." He spotted Gideon in the corner but pretended like he didn't and kept walking for the door. If Gideon was here for anything other than surveillance, this could get messy. 

He made his way down the road, turned a corner, and bit back a curse; Gideon was following him. 

A real fucking bad time later, Sirius apparated on the doorstep of his and Reg's flat. He knocked on the door and leaned heavily against the frame. It felt like he had a sodding hole in his side. It wasn't easy to go in a fight and pretend like he wasn't trying to figure out a way he could leave without making it look like he was running away. He wasn't going to seriously injure Gideon, but he couldn't make it look that way. The end result was him, bleeding out, and Gideon temporarily not being able to hear. Gideon hadn't been in top form tonight, and it was a damn good thing that Sirius hadn't wanted to kill him because he would've been able to. It was an even better thing that Bellatrix hadn't been there, because she would've done it, no hesitation. 

This was wearing on him. If he didn't chug some water and get some sleep, he was going to be dangerously close to breaking down. Talking to Greyback had been easy, and he hated how easy it had been to talk to him like he actually wanted the shite they mentioned. Fighting Gideon had been hard, but it would've been easy to send a curse that would've immobilized him; what Sirius hated more than anything else that had happened tonight was that he'd been a hell of a lot closer to just fucking doing it than he ever wanted to be. 

The door opened, and Reg's eyes went wide. "Oh Salazar," he breathed. He pulled Sirius in the flat and locked the door again. "What happened?" 

"How many times do I have to tell you not to ask questions you don't want the answer for, Regulus," Sirius said tiredly. He pat his brother on the shoulder and moved to limp to the washroom, but Regulus stopped him from getting more than a couple steps in. "What?" 

"Someone's here-" 

_"What?_ And you let them in? You don't _fucking_ let people in-" 

"But he just wanted to talk to you-" 

"Who the hell is it?" 

James appeared over Regulus's shoulder with a sheepish expression, and Sirius immediately shook his head. 

"No. No. Get out, _now."_

"I just wanted to talk to you, and Regulus said I could wait here while you got back." 

"He should've said no. Get out." Angrily, Sirius shoved past Regulus. 

"Sirius, c'mon, just two minutes and then I'll leave." 

"How about you leave now instead of wasting your time?" 

"He's here because he cares about you," Regulus said, sounding pained. "I'm trying to help-" 

"Well don't. I don't need your help, and the last thing we need is for someone to see him here." 

"If you would just-" 

"No!" Sirius screamed, slamming the side his fist into the wall. It was on one of the support beams, and his hand was shaking from pain now. "You don't understand; you don't understand _any_ of this! If they think we're betraying them-- if they even _suspect_ that we're switching sides, they'll kill us. Do you get that? They won't bloody hesitate to kill me, and you'll be too big of a risk, so they'll get rid of you too! There's no point to this- there's no point to _any_ of this if we're just going to get fucking murdered because you're not being careful." Sirius took in a quick, shaky breath. "We're not doing that." He turned and kept walking to the washroom. 

It should've been good news that Regulus wanted for them to get out, but Sirius needed for him to keep his head down or they were going to get caught. Grimacing, Sirius peeled off his jacket and tossed it in the tub. He'd probably be able to patch it back together. Later. Right now, he was still bleeding and was starting to get lightheaded. He sat down heavily on the toilet lid and tried to catch his breath. 

There were light footsteps coming up to him, and it had been a while, but he still recognised the way James sounded. "Go 'way." 

James ignored him and closed the door. It was either to give them privacy or so Regulus couldn't see. It didn't really matter why he did it; Sirius was happy it was done all the same. "Where's your stuff?" 

Sirius thought about telling him to bugger off again, but it hadn't worked so far and he doubted that this would be the time James listened. He was pretty sure he was crying now. Tears of pain or exhaustion, he wasn't quite sure, but it was happening. Regulus would probably come in to help him if James left, but he didn't have a lot of experience with it since Sirius tried to take care of it before he saw. "Under the sink." 

"Is all of this your blood?" James asked quietly, eyeing Sirius's blood soaked shirt as he grabbed the box. 

"Which answer are you hoping for?" 

"I don't like seeing you hurt, if that's what you're getting at. Come on, let's get your shirt off; I need to get at the wound." 

Sirius didn't really help, but he also didn't struggle when James pulled up the edges of his shirt and gingerly pulled it off. 

James's mouth twisted when he saw the gash on Sirius's side. "I'm surprised you're still standing." 

"Gideon's not got very good aim." Sirius tried for a laugh, but it just sounded like a sob. "Dunno if it was on purpose or not. He should be more careful. Someone else would've killed him." 

"Why didn't you?" James asked, and Sirius had to grit his teeth as James dotted a disinfectant across the cut. "I mean, I'm not complaining. Definitely not complaining. Gideon's a good guy, and I'm glad he's okay-" 

"I didn't say he was okay, I said he wasn't dead." 

James swallowed thickly. He switched to the blood clotting potion and got a clean wipe. "It's still good. You're- you're a better person than you think you are. I don't know what happened to make you think you had to do this, but you _don't_. No matter what you've done, we can figure it out. All you have to do is let me know that you're willing to try, and we can do it. There's- you haven't done anything you can't come back from. Okay?" 

Sirius shook his head. He couldn't do this. He couldn't look at James and tell him that this was who he was now, not when James was so focused on getting him back. 

James didn't reply straight away. He put something on it to numb the pain, then bandaged it, carefully wrapping the material around Sirius's torso so it wouldn't fall off but also wouldn't make it hard to breathe. He had practice with this, and it wasn't from Hogwarts. "This isn't you," he whispered when he was done. He put everything back in the box and put it under the sink. He threw the soiled wipes in the bin. He didn't bother getting up from where he was sitting, propped up on his knees. "You might think that you have to do this, but I know you, and I _know_ that you can be better than this. There are other options, other-" 

Sirius put a hand over his mouth to stop him from continuing and shook his head as tears started to bead in his eyes. "I can't do this with you," he mumbled, dropping his hand. He hadn't realised it until James curled his fingers into his forearm that he'd used his left hand. James was touching his Dark Mark and looking at him like he still thought they could get past this. 

"All you have to do is tell me yes. Tell me yes, and I'll take care of it. We'll get you out, and Regulus can come with you so he'll be safe. It'll be-" 

"Shut up." 

"But-" 

"Just _stop talking_ ," Sirius said. 

"Sirius," James pleaded, framing Sirius's face with his hands. "Why are you doing this? You know it won't end well-" 

"Stop it." 

" _Please_." 

"I can't." 

"Yes, you can. I know you; I know who you are and what you're capable of, and you _can_." 

"You're not listening to me," Sirius said, shaking his head. There were tears falling from the corners of his eyes and he didn't think he could stop it if his life depended on it. "Dumbledore... he- he needed to know what was going on. Who else could've gone? You? You wouldn't have lasted a week. And that's- that's if they even believed you. They wouldn't have." 

It would've been funny to see that look of shock on James's face in any other context. Sirius had never truly been able to surprise James before. "You... Dumbledore sent you in there? But- _Sirius_ , you can't- what if you get hurt? You could be killed, and none of us- we wouldn't _know_. It's too dangerous. Tell Dumbledore that you can't do it. Hell, I'll tell him for you," James said, wiping some of the tears from his cheeks. "Please," he whispered. He got a little closer and pressed a quick, hasty kiss to Sirius's mouth. "Please, just come home. I need you safe." He kissed him again. And again and again until Sirius put a hand on his chest and put some space between them. 

"You have to go," Sirius said. His voice was shaking. His hand was shaking. 

"What?" James asked, sounding crushed. "No. I meant what I said, we can get you and Regulus safe. Going back there and pretending to be one of them is going to get you killed. Look at what happened tonight! Gideon hurt you, and it's going to happen again." 

"This is- this is more than _me_. You think I wanted to leave you?" he asked. He started to cry again. "You think I want to be out there, surrounded by people who would torture me if they had any idea why I was there? You _have_ to go. If any of them find out that you were here and that you were talking to Regulus, he'd get killed. I'm just trying to make it out of this alive, and you aren't making it easy right now." 

"But..." James wanted to protest. He wanted to stay here and talk to Sirius until he convinced him to come home. It was war and nowhere was safe, but at least he'd be safer than he was here, in a flat where Death Eaters knew he lived and had access to. "You could get hurt. More than this-- more than what just happened. What if you get hurt more than you can heal from?" 

"There's no backing out," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I don't get to skip home with you and pretend like this never happened. I'm involved. The war isn't over. When it is..." he trailed off, letting the hope of what-could-be fill the silence. 

"When the war's done, you come home." 

Sirius nodded. "But for now, you need to go, and we can't talk again." 

"Yeah," James whispered, like it he wasn't loud when he said it, maybe it wouldn't be true. 

"You can't talk to Regulus either," Sirius added. 

"I know," James said quietly. His hands were on Sirius's thighs, frozen from where they'd been when he was kissing him. "It sounds barmy, but I really did think I was going to come in here and... save you." His hands slid a little back towards himself. 

Sirius laughed wetly. "My knight in shining armour." 

"That's how all the good romances go, isn't it?" 

He gave a small nod. 

"I come riding in to rescue you, and it's hard but of course it all works out in the end. You come home and when we kiss if feels like happily ever after." 

"It's a nice story," Sirius said, wiping at his face. 

"Better than the one we're living. 

"I guess that'll depend on the ending." 

"S'pose so. I'll leave," he said, but he didn't move a millimetre. "One more kiss?" 

Sirius shook his head even though denying him left a physical ache in his chest. "I wouldn't be able to stop with just one." 

"Yeah," he agreed, but he was just as forlorn about it. "That's smart." He took his hands away, shuffled back, and got to his feet. 

Sirius stayed where he was, sat on top of the toilet seat. "If anyone asks, I kicked you out; you tried to talk sense into me, and it didn't work. Say that Regulus threatened you, but you wouldn't leave." 

"Is that really necessary?" 

Sirius thought about the spy that Dumbledore thought was in the Order. He thought about the one minute encounter they'd had in Diagon Alley that Bellatrix had been worried about. He thought about his conversation with Greyback and how he tried to get under Sirius's skin by insisting he had Remus in his pack. "Yes." 

James sagged a little bit. He'd come over here with hopes of saving the love of his life and them happily leaving together, and instead, he'd learned that Sirius wasn't in need of saving. He couldn't tell anyone, and he didn't get to bring him home. "Alright," he said quietly, then, stronger, "Alright." He opened the door and left the flat. There was no hesitation in his step, and his stride was confident. Sirius just wished that either of them could enjoy it. 

James knew that eventually, Sirius would be back. Him and Lily weren't together anymore, and maybe it should make him feel worse that James didn't have that extra bit of comfort in his life, but he had that to look forward to again. They still loved each other. For fuck's sake, James had thought he was a Death Eater, and he still came here to get Sirius back. That was the kind of all consuming need Sirius had for James that he hadn't known was reciprocated. Just a little more time... however long this war took, and they could be together again. He'd be worse for the time apart, but he was going to have James back; he had something to look forward to at the end of all this shite. 

A minute later, Regulus poked his head in. "You okay?" 

"Yeah. Don't talk to him anymore." 

"But Sirius, he could help you. You used to be so close in Hogwarts. Bloody hell, you moved in with him when you left our parents." 

"Reg?" 

"Yes?" 

"We are going to talk about this, and you are going to drop it. Stop talking to him. You're not going to look him up, and you're not going to look up _anybody_ else under Dumbledore's command." 

Regulus's expression hardened. "This doesn't sound like us talking about it; it sounds like you ordering me to stay out of it. I've already heard that, and I disagreed. Don't you see Sirius? We're _on the wrong side_. You're trying to get us through this, but then what? Let's say that we live through to the end of this. What happens after that? We listen to the Dark Lord and try to kill every muggle? We- we 'purify' the Wizarding World, and then? Then what? What happens? It's a trap, one we wouldn't be able to get out of once we find ourselves that deep." 

"Reg." Sirius took a deep breath and put his hands on his brother's shoulders. "I _can't_ talk about it. I am going to keep doing what I'm doing, and you are going to keep your head down and pretend like you're not thinking about any of this. James isn't going to seek you out again, and you are _not_ going to go looking for him." He gave Regulus a look that he hoped was sufficiently piercing. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" 

"You're...?" Regulus trailed off and didn't pick his sentence back up. His expression had changed enough that it was obvious he understood. "Oh. Yes," he said quietly. "I'll... er." He practically fled to his room instead of finishing his sentence. 

That was alright. He understood now. He knew how severe this was. He couldn't talk to anyone about this, and he wasn't going to. Sirius had said that they weren't going to mention it again after they finished talking, and Regulus may not have agreed at first, but he did now. 

It didn't make his life better, but it was one less thing to worry about. 

* * *

All in all, it felt like the ending was a little anticlimactic. Sure Bellatrix had nearly killed him and he ended up in hospital for a full week, but he never came face to face with Voldemort over it. While Dumbledore was dealing with Voldemort, it came out that Sirius wasn't truly a Death Eater, and Bellatrix decided that her precious Dark Lord would be able to handle Dumbledore while she fought Sirius. They were pretty evenly matched, but in the end, it became obvious that Bellatrix was the better fighter. Sirius would've died if Regulus hadn't snuck up from behind and stunned her. 

She hadn't even thought about it even though they both knew that he was there. Everyone underestimated Regulus-- including Sirius. Neither of them had thought he'd get involved. Sirius was grateful to not be dead, but he was scared shitless about what could have happened to him if Bellatrix had been paying more attention. Neither of them would have made it out of there alive, and what was the sodding point in warning Regulus off if he was going to go and get himself killed anyway? 

Sirius got released from St. Mungo's, but he still had to wait around doing nothing while his trial was put together. Dumbledore came by to assure him that it would be alright. With Dumbledore defeating his second Dark Lord and vouching for Sirius being on the right side, he believed that it would be fine, but it didn't make the waiting any easier. 

James came to visit, of course-- Regulus would have, but he was back at Hogwarts trying desperately to pass his classes. Peter was dead. James didn't tell him who did it-- and he wasn't sure if James was holding back the information intentionally or if he didn't know-- but it was someone in the Order that did it; that much was obvious. 

Remus came to visit, and he didn't look too great. It reminded Sirius of the way he'd looked in the mirror back when he let himself do it. Like Remus had had to claw out his insides and replace it with something he hated. "Hey," he said quietly. He was fidgeting with his hands instead of looking up at Sirius. 

"Hey Moony. How is it out there?" 

He gave an uncomfortable shrug. "It could be worse." 

"Things can _always_ be worse," Sirius responded. 

"Greyback... he said that he talked to you." 

"Yeah." 

"He- erm- he said that you were the one to recruit the werewolves to Voldemort's side. Is that true?" 

Sirius snorted, and it hurt. "I talked to Greyback about joining. He didn't take much convincing. He wanted an excuse to get involved and I gave it to him. And before you get too mad at me for that, Dumbledore told me to do whatever it took to blend in. Self-sabotage would've gotten me killed and been no good to anyone. He only told you that to get under your skin." 

"Are you an expert on him now?" 

"He told me that you were with his pack," Sirius said, turning his head to look at Remus full on. "He didn't tell me that out of the goodness of his heart; he told me because he wanted a reaction." 

"So I shouldn't react to you- you doing all that?" 

"Hm." Sirius turned to look at the wall again. "Go bitch about it with someone that cares. You can't make me feel worse about myself than I already do. You should be pretty familiar with that trick; I learned it from you." 

"...I keep expecting for you to be different. Like maybe everything I ever knew about you wasn't real, but it's still you," Remus said quietly. "You're the same Sirius that I knew in school." He let out a small laugh. "How the hell did you convince any of them that you were on their side?" 

"They weren't looking very closely," Sirius said casually. They'd been looking, but not at the right parts. It helped that none of them had known him at school. They'd heard stories, of course, but he hadn't interacted with any of them. Other than Snape, but Snape hadn't gotten along with Bellatrix either so it hadn't been a mark against him. 

"You did things you regret." 

"That's not exactly new." 

They chatted back and forth about things neither of them wanted to talk about it, then Remus left. When Lily showed up less than an hour later, Sirius had to wonder if they had written up a schedule for visiting him; it sounded like something James would do. 

Lily sat down on the other side of the bars, legs crossed and leaning forward where her arms were resting on her knees. Since Remus had stayed standing and at a distance the entire time he was there, it was a welcome sight to have someone be so comfortable with him. "Gideon heard the truth from Dumbledore," she said first thing instead of a greeting, "and he wanted me to tell you that he's sorry. I hope you know what that means because when I asked for him to elaborate, he refused, and said that you would know what he was talking about. So do you know what he's talking about?" 

Sirius chuckled and nodded. "Tell him it's fine. How have you been, Lily? James said that you dated for a while." 

"I wouldn't call one month 'a while'," Lily said, making a face. "Went on, like, three dates, and it was just James trying to get over you." 

"Why'd you say yes?" Sirius asked curiously. "You weren't interested in him at all at Hogwarts." 

"I wasn't interested in him because he was pining over his best mate. You broke up and I figured why not? It's not like it was going to go anywhere. He misses you, you know." 

"He was here earlier," Sirius said, but he did know what Lily was talking about. The war was over now, but Sirius wasn't free. They couldn't be together again yet because they couldn't even touch while he was awaiting trial. "How are you? I heard... well, I heard that something might have happened to your family." It was probably someone talking out of their arse, but he hadn't had a chance to follow up and see if they'd killed Lily's parents or not. Not to mention that any information about Lily had been hard to believe because some of the Death Eaters had lied to get under Snape's skin about it. 

* * *

He'd thought that he was doing pretty well. He only had a couple nightmares, but James had nightmares too. They were back to living in the same flat, sharing the same bed, and that was worlds better than what he'd thought he'd get at the end of all this. 

He sort of had a breakdown. It hadn't _felt_ like a breakdown at the time, but hindsight was twenty-twenty. He'd gotten a glimpse of the Dark Mark on his arm and he'd just- snapped. He hadn't wanted it anymore. He didn't deserve to carry it around; he was a fucking good person and he didn't deserve to bear this damn brand like he'd made the bad decisions to lead him here. He just... wanted it gone. 

He scratched at his arm so hard that his skin tore and blood sluggishly seeped out. It wasn't getting rid of it. He barely remembered grabbing the knife, but he definitely remembered the pain of it afterwards. 

It looked bad. He knew the moment James walked in that it looked worse than it was. James took the knife from him and practically threw it across the room. It landed with a clatter on the hard wood, and blood started dripping off the blade and gathering in a small puddle. "That's gonna stain the floor," Sirius slurred. He must have lost more blood than he thought. He swayed, but James was there to catch him before he could do more than begin to think of falling down. 

James patched him up, forced some water down his throat, then dragged Sirius back to bed and wrapped his arms so tightly around Sirius it was obvious he was worried about something happening again. 

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," Sirius muttered in the quiet night air of their room. "I just wanted it gone." 

"You could've talked to me about it," James said. 

"It itched." That was the only reason he had for doing what he'd done. At the time, it had made sense. He grabbed James's hand and pressed a tremulous kiss to his knuckles. "I promise I won't do it again." 

James swallowed thickly. "I just- I'm so worried about you. I keep thinking that I'll come home and you'll be dead on the floor and-" his breath hitched and he couldn't go on. 

Sirius had to squeeze his eyes closed before he could start crying. He was tired of crying. It felt like all he did was cry-- despite the fact that he normally didn't let himself get to that point. "It won't happen," he promised, and his voice was wobbling. "I wouldn't do that to you." 

"I want you to be alive because _you_ want to be alive," James sobbed. "If you're not happy-" 

"It's not like that. I'm not suicidal; I just wanted the buggering Mark gone." 

James held him even tighter and didn't say anything else. Falling asleep these days was never easy, but they managed it. This would probably sound better in the morning. 

* * *

Regulus blinked up at them. Sirius and James had talked about it, and they didn't see why Sirius's offer to Regulus about somewhere to live should be any different than it was before. "You want me to live with you?" he asked, like he couldn't believe it. 

"Yeah. I mean, why not?" 

"I- I can't. I _can't_." 

"Why? You were going to before." 

"Our parents were scared of you when I agreed. With- with everything, they'd show up and-" 

"And what?" James said. "They show up and try to drag you back with them, and they won't be able to." 

Sirius nodded in agreement with what James said. "I just spent the last two years pretending to be a Death Eater. Our parents can't do anything worse than what any of them did. If you want to be away from them, you'll be safe with us." 

Regulus swallowed thickly. "I'll think about it," he said, but Sirius knew that the answer was going to be yes. 

* * *

James quit the Aurors. 

"I thought you liked being an Auror?" 

"I liked helping people, but..." James grimaced. "It wasn't really about that. I couldn't quit in the middle of the war." 

"But the war is over so you're getting the hell out of there." 

"Exactly." 

Neither of them said anything, and James went back to staring at the book in front of him without reading it. He'd been open to that page for the last twenty minutes, and his eyes weren't moving. He'd flipped the page before that, but Sirius wasn't convinced he'd read anything on the page. It's not like Sirius was doing any better. Instead of drinking the tea in front of him, he had his hands wrapped around it and took the occasional sip until it went cold, then he reheated the tea and did it all over again. In the past two hours, he'd refilled his drink maybe once. 

"It wasn't like this," Sirius mumbled. He didn't mean to say anything; it came spilling out, and he couldn't stop it. 

"Hm?" 

"Before. Us. It wasn't like this." 

"What do you mean?" James asked, looking up from his book. He didn't look at Sirius like he was in love with him. Right now, Sirius could be any of their friends, and it wouldn't make a difference. There were dark circles under his eyes like he wasn't sleeping, even though Sirius knew for a fact that he was; it must not be very restful sleep he was getting. Either that, or he wasn't happy-- but even now, Sirius didn't want to think about it. 

Sirius swallowed so hard it hurt his throat. He looked deeper into his cup, like he'd be able to hide in the dregs gathering on the bottom of the cup rather than finish this conversation. 

"Sirius?" he prodded. 

He shook his head. "Forget it." 

"No, c'mon. What were you talking about?" 

Sirius swallowed again and took a pull from his cup. "It's like... we're not even in love anymore." He squeezed his eyes shut rather than look at James's expression. Hearing the sharp breath he took was bad enough. "I don't feel anything anymore except _horrible_." He flinched in surprise when James touched his arm, even though his hand was gentle. 

"I can't- I can't speak for you, but I still love you. It's... hard. To get past everything. But it's- we can't be the way we were before. Things have changed. We're not two kids fresh out of Hogwarts. Regulus is going to be living with us soon. It's safe to say that neither of us would have expected that before. I threw my career out the window, and you have a tattoo you can't get rid of and you hate. All of this, it's- we're working past it. It's not-" James had to pause to sniffle and wipe haphazardly at his face "-it's not that we don't still love each other," he said, voice thick. "It's that we have other shite to worry about. I can't spend hours playing with your hair anymore. Neither of us can handle it like we used to. It feels different. _We're_ different. It doesn't have to be bad; it's just different than how it used to be." 

"I..." Sirius opened his eyes and looked at James's hand on his arm. His left arm. James's fingers against the black of the Dark Mark, and he didn't even care. James hadn't done this on purpose; he touched Sirius because this was how they always acted around each other. Casual touches and being around each other, even if they were quiet. The quiet was more recent for happening in the middle of the day, but it was still them. "Yeah," Sirius whispered. "Different doesn't have to be bad. I just..." 

"Just what?" 

"It sounds terrible." 

"Say it anyways." 

"I'm used to seeing you smile," Sirius admitted quietly. "You used to look at me and it's like you were automatically happy because of it. It's not like that anymore." A beat. "I told you it was terrible." 

James squeezed his arm, and Sirius looked at him. James gave him a tremulous smile. It was tinged with more sadness than Sirius had thought him capable of when they'd first gotten together. "Seeing you makes me happy, still. It always will." 

"More worries?" 

James nodded. "It's not as easy as it used to be, but seeing you here, alive, is definitely a bright spot for me. I worry more. I'm scared more. But you... you _always_ make me feel better." 

"Even when I do shit you don't like?" 

James let out a surprised laugh. "Even then. I know that- that some days it's not as obvious. Like right now, when you looked at me and thought I didn't love you anymore, but I do. Every single day, Sirius." 

It should have brought his mood up-- and it did, in a way-- but he started crying. He slunk out of his seat to go round to where James was sitting and sort of fell into him, but James was there to catch him. 

James was always there to catch him. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt driven blog @[imaginejamesandsirius](https://imaginejamesandsirius.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Feel free to drop by!


End file.
